And so i’m 20…
Words by Michelle Andrews.
Today, I turn 20. Fuck. Today marks the beginning of the decade where I (ideally) settle into a career, meet someone and fall madly inlove with them, gain independence, lose inhibition and haphazardly find myself in the process. I have officially moved beyond teenagerdom into the big scary world of adulthood. And it all starts right now. It all feels pretty instantaneous and complete – yesterday I was awkwardly perched somewhere between child and grown-up, and now i’ve made the jump.
I guess i’m equally terrified as I am excited about what this year will be like. I’ve noticed myself change so much since I was in highschool, and then again within these past 12 months to the point where contemplating exactly what this next year will bring is pretty much impossible. I can’t help but freak-out a little that years continue to pass and I continue to have no direction with where/who I want to be. I left school thinking i’d figure it all out in a year or two, and that just hasn’t happened yet. So I find myself sitting in my room, twenty years-old, knowing practically zilch about where I want to be next week, let alone in 10 years time.
My decision to take the entire year off Uni and to work full-time until I leave in June is definitely a fair indication of where my head is at the moment. Lost. And yes, very, very broke and thus in dire need of full-time work… but mostly lost. But if anything has ever kept me grounded, it’s writing. Considering I don’t have the same set requirements and deadlines to write and get my super-nerd on anymore, I guess in some weird way that’s what this blog is all about – a chance to bleed out my thoughts and inane dribble, throw it into cyberspace and wait – hopeful there’s an off chance someone, somewhere will be bored enough and lovely enough to read it. For me, writing is cathartic. I have always loved it and probably always will.
Perhaps some small (large) part of me is also apprehensive as to how people will react/what they will say, but in this stage of my life, I really couldn’t care less. Blogging has always consumed part of my life, whether in secrecy or in public, so to conceal this now would be stupid and probably a little too immature for my new uncomfortable adult status. At the end of the day, I want to do this openly. I want to commit myself to something I care about and see where it takes me, regardless of judgment, consequences or popular opinion. I want to explore the world, experience new things and document it all.
I am perplexed by this next stage. It’s daunting and it’s intimidating. But I am also thrilled by it. So i’m just going to put this out there, and see what comes from it. I am 20 today, and I am staring into something impossibly vast and murky and bewildering. And I love it.
Here are a few photos from my birthday weekend – one which involved a ridiculously high consumption of vodka, chocolate mud cake and fantastic company.