An Open Letter to the annoying Jerk-wads of the World.
Words by Michelle Andrews.
Hello, annoying Jerk-wads of the World.
I know this letter may seem harsh, but I feel it needs to be sent.
You see, my jaw hurts from the constant clenching and teeth-grinding you cause. I have a constant head-ache as a result of your ever-so-frustrating ways. So, on behalf of all those who are on the verge of resorting to physical violence, or who experience rage black-outs, please consider the following:
1. TO DRIVERS WHO HOLD UP A QUEUE OF CARS IN PEAK-HOUR TRAFFIC TO REVERSE PARK:
JUST DRIVE IN. WHAT IN CHRIST’S NAME ARE YOU DOING?! Not a single one of the people you have now held-up is impressed by your mediocre ability to reverse park.
Oh great, now we all get to witness the tedious, time-consuming process of you desperately trying to re-correct your shitty reverse park. All before your wife gets out to direct how much space you have to the left before you dent that shiny Mercedes. I am due at work in precisely 3 minutes and 28 seconds. You could have just driven into the park like a normal, decent human being, but you chose not to. No, instead you chose to be a selfish prick.
Take it from me – the World’s most average driver – it is not hard to reverse out of a parking space. It’s actually pretty freaking easy. So just drive in, you self-serving douchebag.
I wish below-average sleep upon you tonight.
And whilst I am on the topic of drivers: if I politely give way to you, or slow down to let you into my lane, PLEASE do that cute little thank-you-gesture-thingy. You don’t even have to be enthusiastic about it. Just give me a measly finger. Give me anything.
2. TO PEOPLE WHO CHEW LOUDLY IN PUBLIC PLACES:
Just don’t. If you like your current facial bone-structure, I recommend quietening down before I change it for you.
Seriously, what is that you are chewing on? Scrapmetal? Are you gnawing away on twigs and tiny tree branches over there? Eat your meal at a normal decibel level, please. I didn’t realise I would need to bring ear-plugs to the University library because you want to impersonate a wood-chipper.
3. TO PEOPLE WHO DO NOT STAND TO THE LEFT-HAND SIDE ON ESCALATORS:
I am running late and my University essay has to be submitted within the next 7 minutes or I fail. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. Do you not realise that I am flying down these stairs at an Usain-Bolt-pace and you are in my collision path? Do not grease me off when I athletically dodge past you and knock you with my heavy textbook-filledbag, Lady, because you totally deserve it.
4. TO PEOPLE WHO FORCE THEIR WAY ONTO OVERLY PACKED TRAMS/TRAINS:
Mate, I can definitely feel your package pushed up against my hip-bone. Yep. Ohhhhh, yep, that’s definitely the bulge of male genitalia. I don’t want to be rude, but you really should’ve just waited for the next train. You’re heading home, just like me, so waiting 4 minutes for the next Glen Waverley service wouldn’t kill you. You know what will kill you? Suffocation and lack of oxygen due to the ridiculous number of human bodies that have now been crammed into this carriage.
Also, I won’t hesitate to hip-jab you in your man-beast.
I don’t know you. I mean, I don’t necessarily dislike you… but I would prefer to not have your scrotum pressed against me for 30 minutes (I don’t care that there is a barrier of polyester between us, it’s just not something I signed up for).
I also recommend a stronger deodorant next time, pal. Yes, I and everyone else within a three-metre-radius can smell your body odour. It’s called Rexona Clinical Protect, I suggest you invest in some.
If you do any of the above, trust me, there is time to change. YOU CAN CHANGE. We can be in this together. And by together, I mean that you can change and I can no longer want to bring karmic retribution upon you and your loved ones.
Love and light and please-for-the-love-of-13-and-all-that-is-holy-change-yourself,