The 5 Signs You Need To Swipe Left.

There comes a time in every struggling relationship/flirtationship/friendswithbenefitsship when you need to ask yourself the metaphorical (or literal, for those who frequent Tinder) question: Do I need to swipe left and get this guy out of my life?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Tinder, and therefore living under some sort of rock formation, when I say “swipe left” it can be exchanged for “kick to curb”, “ditch his ass”, or “run woman run”.

EXHIBIT A of when you should “run woman run”:

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We need assistance – encouragement if you will – because maybe he looks really cute in a beanie and guys who look cute in beanies are as delicious as chicken nuggets. Or you quite like his mum and don’t want to let HER go. Alas, his perfectly shaped skull for knitted headwear and his mother’s quick-wit do not outweigh the fact that he forgot your birthday and oddly smells like chicken soup all year round. Girl, you clearly need to swipe him to the left (to the left, to the left).

Stress less Pretty-Face, that’s what I am here for! Me, and stories of my girlfriends’ sign-reading faux-pas. (Girlfriends have all been lovingly renamed as the true Disney Princesses they are).

1. He has poor grammar and spelling skills.

Swipe left.

2. He takes to social media to send you some very obvious messages.

This guy needs to do one of one things: get a Tumblr page and name it
Why? Because him posting moody text-posts on Instagram and hashtagging #bestthingyoueverhad #imdone #yourloss is downright pathetic.

He may not seem like an overly emotional crazy person in the flesh, but this kind of behaviour can only mean his inner psycho is just waiting to emerge and set your car alight mid-argument. Save yourself the insurance/legal costs – just swipe left now.

One of my friends, Jasmine, was dating an absolute toss-pot for the better part of a year. Every time they argued, he would moodily delete her from SnapChat, unfollow her Instagram and de-friend her on Facebook before desperately crawling back the next day. This guy was a douche-jockey, had the maturity level of the common sock and was a general waste of her wonderful energy. Jasmine eventually swiped left, but only after months of life-draining social-media douchebaggery.

To the left, to the left MMMMMMMMM

To the left, to the left MMMMMMMMM

3. Cute-guy-with-great-arms from Tinder suggests a movie night at his place for a first date (here, when I say swipe left, I literally mean swipe left).

What are you going to do when cute-guy-with-great-arms actually turns out to be a morbidly-obese-finger-sniffer and you’re stuck in his apartment? Exactly, so get swiping, sister. If he doesn’t like the idea of grabbing coffee in a public place, something is fishy, and it’s not just his fingers.

Do not go through the traumatic Tinder experience my friend, Cinderella (or even better, Tinderella) went through. The gist of the night was: she went to his house, he was living proof that photoshop is a miracle-worker, had a frog-fetish and proceeded to make her watch two hours of amphibian-related documentaries before she feigned illness and escaped.

THAT IS A TRUE STORY. WE NEED TO LEARN FROM TINDERELLA’S MISTAKES, PEOPLE. SWIPE LEFT. (Also, you don’t want to get yourself into a dangerous situation, so listen to Mother Michelle and keep first meetings public, please. Thank you.)

4. You’ve been “casually” sleeping with your ex, and now he only messages you on Friday nights after 9pm.

Ah, yes, you thought you could just keep it physical and remain unattached (young one, you clearly have so much to learn about the female mind). You find yourself internally screaming things like: “don’t be a girl over this… I can keep sex and feelings separate, I can, shut up brain, I CAN” whilst you violently sob into a box of Pizza Shapes.

You try to brush off the fact that you cancelled a date with Nice-Guy-Brian last week because you are still hung up on your ex-turned-casual-sex-pal, but the truth is undeniable: you’re only preventing yourself from truly moving on.

Take my close girlfriend, Belle, for example. Belle’s ex doesn’t message anymore unless it’s 9pm and he’s found himself at home, horny and bored. Cute night texts have slowly become lazy bootycalls that read “DTF?” followed by the sleaze-face emoji. Belle’s suddenly realised – she could be hanging around, waiting for all of three measly characters to buzz up onto her iPhone, or she could go make-out with Nice-Guy-Brian and start feeling good about herself again. Belle stopped replying to 9pm texts and swiped left on lazy-ex’s ass last week… you go, Belle.

5. The Universe has taken it upon itself to send you a SERIOUS SIGN that you need to swipe left.

There comes a point, when a total babe repeatedly fails to see the signs, the Universe decides to step in.

It’s like all the forces of the Universe combine in one last-ditch attempt to make us see that Pin-Dick needs to be swiped left forever. It may be that you planned on giving him “one last chance”, but when you hop in the car to drive to his place – BOOM – car doesn’t start. Or the guy who’s been mind-effing you for weeks is coming over to “sort stuff out” and – BAM – your “Aunt Flo” decides to visit for one solitary day despite you being in the middle of your cycle.

Coincidence? No – Universal intervention.

Take Pocahontas, for example. After a very, VERY messy breakup with her boyfriend (which entailed months of mind-games, STI debacles and rivers of tears) she was about to say yes to a weekend away with him when – ZING – attack of explosive diarrhoea hit, rendering her physically incapable of a weekend sex-fest. Pocahontas stayed home (on the toilet, unfortunately), and in doing so realised it was time to swipe left to both the ex-boyfriend and questionable Thai restaurants forever.

Ah, what a beautiful story.

Ultimately, the number one sign we need to read is this: if you are unsure, if you feel like a relationship’s not working or he’s draining your lady-zen, then swipe left. After all: we are in our twenties. This is our time to have fun and to experience. You are young, sassy and sexy, and you do not need any unnecessary drama stemming from a man. So if it’s not working, you need to swipe left.

We DESPERATELY need more of these...

We DESPERATELY need more of these…