I call bullshit on the Dad Bod.

Words by Michelle Andrews.

Ah, yes, the Dad Bod. The hottest new ‘in thing’ for men’s bodies. Ladies, prepare your ovaries, because those bad boys are about to go WILD.

Dad Bod (Adjective) :  “The dad bod says, ‘I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.’”

Haven’t you heard? The Dad Bod has well and truly taken the internet by storm. According to Business Insider, women now crave a chubby pizza-chomper over a toned, athletic male physique. Even the fucking New York Times has written about it.

Why? All because some chick called Mackenzie Pearson in the U.S. said so (which everyone has taken as gospel, because you know… INTERNET LOGIC). According to good old Jesus Mackenzie, our loins burn for men who are “carrying nearly an extra two inches on their waist” and whose “bellies stick out an extra half-inch.”

I’m sorry… what?

Get away from us, chiseled abs! Are they toned arms? Yuck! We want fatty deposits around those bellies and pudge on those biceps! We want human marshmallow-men, and we want them now!

Even the quintessential Dad Bods have been crowned: Seth Rogen and Jason Segel, come collect your honorary slabs of VB.

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Seth Rogen (Ladies I know it’s hard, but there’s more to read so you’re gonna have to think unsexy thoughts. Maybe try thinking about how shitty iPhone chargers are and how they constantly break, or about potatoes. Yeah, think about potatoes.)

Yahoo! put in its valuable two cents last week, publishing a very helpful article ‘How to Get the Perfect Dad Bod’. Because, obviously, getting a soft and doughy male body is a super difficult task, and necessitates an elaborate meal-plan. The geniuses over at Yahoo! advise that “the Dad Bod is all about getting enough protein and fat”.

So, so insightful.

Ahem *Mackenzie* Ahem.

How to get fat according to Yahoo!: eat fatty food. *Round of applause*

I call complete, total, and utter bullshit on the Dad Bod trend.

I am sorry Seth Rogen, I really did like you in Knocked Up. You truly are a funny guy.  Despite this, I still find you about as attractive as my bookshelf. You being the new face of male sexiness kinda makes me want to hop on a plane to the United States so I can shake Mackenzie Pearson and ask her WHY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US MACKENZIE?

I mean, you’ve just got to be shittin’ me woman.

Because when the hottest trend in women’s bodies is the supermodel, the Dad Bod is not getting my tick of approval (not that it needs my tick of approval – i’m not the Heart Foundation – but stay with me here).

When it comes to women, fat is only acceptable when it’s in the form of an ass and a pair of boobs. Sadly, we don’t get “sexy” sitting on the couch drinking beer and pizza. Instead, we must run on treadmills and wear uncomfortable lycra pants and even more uncomfortable sports bras. Our meal plan is less “eat enough protein and fat” and more “imitate the diet of the common rabbit”. We must drink green sludge that tastes like cow testicles, and feel a crippling sense of guilt whenever we indulge in a bag of Red Doritos instead of a bag of kale. (Note: this doesn’t actually stop us from eating salty, cheesy chips of the corn variety – whatsoever – it just makes the experience somewhat less enjoyable, which honestly sucks cow balls.)

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Candice Swanepoel, ranked number 1 in Maxim’s Hottest 100 of 2014, seen as having the ideal female body by men all around the world. (Also causes me to emotionally eat my own weight in Red Doritos on a daily basis.)

Think I’m over exaggerating? Think that ‘softer’, ‘doughier’ women are considered more attractive now as well? MUM AND DAD BODS FOREVER GUYS!

Well no, pipe down Excited Ellen, because when the woman deemed the sexiest alive has an estimated BMI of 17.6 (which places her in the underweight/possibly malnourished category) I don’t think we’re close to the ‘Mum bod’ (an average BMI of 27) being deemed “the sexiest”.

May I gently remind you that women create human life in our freaking bellies and deliver it to the world like magical super heroes? We are designed to carry BABIES INSIDE OF US. I will be on board with the Dad Bod trend when the sciencey-test-tube-people figure out how to have men carry and push watermelon-sized-humans out of their pelvic region. Until then, beer and pizza consumption doesn’t really seem like a fair trade-off for the whole “I grow people inside of my uterus” excuse.

Yep... seems like a fair trade off.

Yep… seems like a fair trade off. God Damn it Mackenzie.

So, no, I will not be hopping on the Dad Bod bandwagon.

The day Maxim crowns a plus-sized woman their number one ‘sexiest’, I will reconsider my position.

Until then:

Dear Men,

The sexiest male body is still one of chiseled abs and bulging biceps. Fuck you and your laziness/double standards. You’re not getting off that easy. Don’t think stuffing your face with a Pepperoni and Triple Cheese Supreme is the pathway to hotness. It’s not. So get off that fucking couch and give me 20. 

If you expect me to look like Candice, I expect you to look like this: 

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Get back to me when you have a six-pack that I can grate cheese on to accompany my Red Doritos. 

Also, bring salsa.  

Michelle.

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