If you read your horoscope, then I’m sorry… you’re an idiot.

Words by Michelle Andrews.

Let’s begin this post with a story, shall we? (We shall, because this is my blog and I decide what we do, mate.)

Last Friday I was working my usual 12-9pm retail shift. I was exhausted. A little hungry. A lot delirious.

I had already used most of my energy explaining and then re-explaining the returns policy to customers (“Yes, but only within 14 days. No, not on sale items. No, not without a receipt. No, I don’t have the contact number for consumer affairs.”). The rest of my energy was spent resisting the urge to jab a coat hanger in my eye.

In other words it was a usual Friday night working in retail.

I thought my luck had turned when I found myself absolutely vibing with a babe of a customer in the change room. We had already bonded over fries, Zoe Foster-Blake and all that is holy. We went together like avocado and toast, or like a F*ckboy and Tinder on Saturday at 2am. WE WERE A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN, YOU GUYS. I don’t want to exaggerate, but I totally thought I had found my soulmate. I was seriously struggling to contain my level of girl-crush-ness until, until, my new galpal said the absolute worst thing you can say to me (aside from: “I’m a racist!” or “I don’t like fries!” or “Who’s Zoe Foster-Blake?”).

Yep, we were right in the middle of a hi-larious convo about our mutual awesomeness when my new galpal went and interrupted it with this garbage:

“Oh my GOD I just bet you’re a Gemini like I am!”

What? You just… you just… huh? Wait, what? You just bet… that I’m… a Gemini… like you are.

“… Because you totally have the personality of a Gemini.”

And just like that, I realised this customer was not my soulmate and was in actual fact the Royal Highness of Douchebaggery.

Let’s move beyond the ludicrous idea that all humans can be lumped into 12 groups based on what time of year they are born (it’ll be hard, but let’s try okay?) to the idea that people actually believe this AND SOMETIMES BASE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS AROUND IT.  Let’s just consider the fact that Astrology is a thing. Astrologists are things (money sucking, deluded things, but still things nonetheless). Consider the fact that there are freaking emojis for each individual star sign. What is this sorcery? Because I am not. Freaking. Having. It.

Look, I understand if you read your horoscope out of irony or for light entertainment. But actually seeking guidance from your horoscope, and believing it, is sheer stupidity.

Things that Apple should have made emojis for instead of the star signs:

  1. The ‘fingers crossed sign’ – Why this isn’t an emoji yet I am at a loss.
  2. A Taco – or nachos, or a burrito… I’ll take anything Mexican related.
  3. An Eyeroll emoji – reserved as a reply to people who confuse the words *his* and *he’s* (coincidentally the same people who believe in Astrology).
  4. An idiot emoji – reserved for the donkeys who put their star sign emoji in their Instagram Bio section.

If you believe that how the ‘stars aligned’ when you were born has any bearing on who you are as a person or your ‘fate’, then I feel sorry for you, son.

I can hear the Astrology-supporters crying out:

“Okay, so then WHY does my horoscope always accurately predict my life, huh? Why does the Astrologist always get it right, huh? HUH?!”

Firstly, calm down, weirdo-Astrology-reader. Take fourteen deep breaths, maybe brew a nice herbal tea and then think about this: the horoscopes you religiously read are so broad and murky that they could be applied to ANYONE, with ANY star sign. Not just you. Your fraudulent Astrologist has zero ability to predict what happens to you and the millions of other people born with your star sign. Zero.

I suggest investing in a Magic-8 ball instead, it’ll save you plenty of reading time.

Astrologists just regurgitate fluffy and furry statements that people want to believe about themselves, so that you selectively interpret your life and your horoscope so that they match neatly with each other. It’s a psychological phenomenon called confirmation bias. Confirmation bias, unlike Astrology, is actually backed up by this thing called science. Let me demonstrate:

If I was a Gemini, this is how my week will look, according to this super-dooper-sciencey go-getter, Yasmin Boland:

Screen Shot 2015-08-17 at 12.24.13 pm

I am oh-so-overjoyed to know this completely factual and not at all bullshit information! I am sweating with extreme, uncontrollable excitement (much excite, very much excite). Now, of course, this horoscope is 176% only applicable to Geminis. Because, you guys, this is SO specific to Geminis. Saying that something wonderful might happen, is very accurate and not at all applicable to every single human being on Planet Earth right now. No, no – only Geminis. Because, you know, stars and alignment and stars and shit.

*P.S. Go follow Yasmin on Facebook. She is only here to help you and not at all scam you. Not at all. Remember: stars and alignment and stars and shit.*

Now here we have my ‘actual’ horoscope, for Pisces:

Screen Shot 2015-08-17 at 10.44.07 pm

Okay, so I am confused by this. According to Yas, I MIGHT have ‘good money news’ coming my way, or it MIGHT just be time to pay off my parking fine, or it MIGHT be that my friend is finally going to pay me back the $25 she owes me. I think Yasmin might be confused, too. Anyway, it’s something to do with money and is obviously super, super legit to all Pisces and absolutely nobody else.

Because ~~~ it’s all in da stars ~~~

Also, according to old mate Yasmin, if I am as broke and desperate as I look (I am) all I need to do is pay her money ($2) to get this really reliable and not at all fucking stupid guide called The Jupiter Report. Because, you guys, Jupiter is the planet of good luck… duh.

jupiter image

Jupiter, truly an unsung planetary hero and not at all just a formation of hydrogen and helium. Every other planet simply pales in comparison. Ugh, other planets, complete peasantry really. #AllPraiseJupiter #InJupiterWeTrust.

God, I’m exhausted.

Now come on, we can do better, guys. Currently, 6473 people have liked Yasmin Boland’s Facebook page. And I am telling you now I WILL NOT REST until The 20s Diary Facebook Page has more likes than hers. I will churn out a blog a day if I have to. I will approach strange people on the street. I will not sleep. I will not eat. I will sacrifice one of my sisters. I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.

This has given my life a new purpose.

Game on, Yasmin Boland. Game on.

What do you guys think? Do you religiously read your horoscope?

(Horoscopes were sourced from Yahoo! Lifestyle).

In your twenties and have a story to share? Email the20sdiary@gmail.com to get your words published.