Newsflash: We are the least sexual generation in recent history.

Words by Michelle Andrews.

Alrighty then, Gen-Y-ers. We have some serious shit to sort out. Because right this very second we are in the midst of an identity crisis. A huge identity crisis. Bigger than the time we found out what the average bank balance of someone our age is and collectively drowned our sorrows in tubs of ice-cream.

YEP, BIGGER THAN THAT. Grab the Nutella. Get the Doritos. Whip out a fresh pack of top-deck chocolate while you’re at it. Because ice-cream alone won’t cut it this time, pal.

It turns out that not only are we the most single generation in recent history, we’re getting laid the least, too.

Currently, 64% of 18-29 year olds are ridin’ solo, and when we do finally decide to tie the knot, the average number of lifetime sexual partners is 8 (chances are, when your parents got hitched, they’d hopped into bed with no less than 11 different people).

It doesn’t stop there: the amount of sex we’re having is also in decline. On average, we’re getting down and dirty less than five times a month. Yep, we’re doin’ it almost 25% less than what people were twenty years ago.

Okay, so the ‘most single’ thing I totally get. Totally. I mean, we’ve moved beyond the ‘Get a ring on that finger before you’re 25!’ mantra that our grandparents gently whisper into our ears whilst we sleep. Instead we cheerfully chant the ‘Study! Travel! Go down a dark, twisted path of sexual exploration!’ mantra. Us Gen-Y-ers are more sassy and independent and seemingly give zero fucks about rings on our fingers unless they’re of the burger/cheezel variety (AMIRITE?)

I am SO effing right.

Mmmmm I am SO effing right. You can put that shit on my finger any day.

The majority of us are living life in our twenties as fabulous singletons, and that’s perfectly fine. In my totally expert and not at all biased opinion, being single in your twenties is a good thing. We have our whole lives ahead of us for commitment and gross coupley nicknames. Unless you find someone who is so freaking awesome you cannot imagine life without them, you should be single. Now is NOT the time to settle, and you should completely know yourself before you sign up for any Gone Girl-esque related relationship risks. And of course, for some of us (‘some of us’ meaning me, me and me) knowing yourself takes a bit of time… okay, a lot of time.

I mean, nowadays that whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing is something people do in their 30s and 40s, anyway… right? Right?

Yep, DECIDED, relationshippythings are for your 30s and 40s. Good team hustle.

Anyway…

Single thing = understood.

Sex thing =  NOT UNDERSTOOD.

Our generation is getting laid the LEAST? What?! What about all the Fuckboys who are sleazing around as I write this very post? What about all those guys who basically whip their penises around in broad daylight? The guys who message on a weekly basis wanting to “chill” at theirs and “watch movies”? (FUN FACT: “Chill” and “watch movies” can be directly translated from FuckboySpeak to English for “Give me head whilst Harvey Specter solves his latest legal battle in the background”.)

tumblr_lfgidqQTcm1qgyq03o1_400

A very accurate depiction of every 20-something man I have ever met.

Alas, whilst I was naively thinking that we are the Generation of the casual hookup and the one-night-stand, it turns out our own freaking parents were getting more jiggy with it than what we are.

Judging by how much I hear fellow 20-somethings talk about all that sex they’re having, I would’ve guesstimated the average number of sexual partners between 12 and 20. And that’s teetering on the conservative side. I know plenty of 20-somethings who would have a ‘number’ far, far beyond 20. But with the average number of sexual partners being 8, and the average number of JiggySessions per month being less than 5, I’ve put my detective hat on and have a few hypotheses for us to consider:

  1. Pretty much everyone, everywhere is lying about how much sex they’re having, OR
  2. The participants of these studies were sourced from a World of Warcraft convention, and were therefore predominantly virgins. OR
  3. We still haven’t recovered from watching Miley Cyrus gyrate on Robin Thicke in 2013. The horrific/erotic display of flesh-coloured lycra and a dancing foam finger was so utterly traumatic that the reproductive organs of men across the world inverted. This also explains why every single guy fiddles with his crotch area in public, IT’S BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO EXTRACT HIS PEEN FROM HIS OWN BODY. It all makes sense now… OR
  4. The more we see sex splashed across our TVs, our laptops and on billboards, the less we’re intrigued to actually do it ourselves. Could it be that the more porn our Generation consumes, the less we want the real deal?

Some studies actually go so far to blame our smart-phones for our waning libidos (yup, not only are smart-phones causing cancer, making you depressed and are solely responsible for 97% of the world’s evil, they’re also making your dangly-sexy-bits shrivel up and die. Thanks iPhone, thanks a bunch, you asshole).

I've just about had it up to HERE with you, iPhone.

I’ve had it up to HERE with you, iPhone.

All I know is this: for a Generation that uses Tinder as our identifier, we’re not exactly the Sex Gods we’d like everyone to think we are.

Enjoyed this? You might also like:

Advertisements