Hey PM, why won’t you act on marriage equality now?

Words by Michelle Andrews.

Dear Prime Minister Turnbull,

Oh my holy Nutella, you have no idea how happy we are that you’re our shiny, new PM.

After two years (minus four days) of leadership (which was the equivalent of being led by a deluded, speedo-wearing robot) we FINALLY have a PM who can coherently form a sentence that hasn’t been spoon-fed to him by spin doctors/Peta Credlin.

Ah, it’ll be so nice to hear our PM be interviewed and not sound like this:

We got rid of the carbon tax whilst stopping the boats. Also, this one time I ate some onions. Double also, there was this thing where we taxed carbon but now we don’t and I single-handedly ate an onion and I stopped a boat. Oh! I nearly forgot that we stopped the boats. I like onions. I do not like boats. Or carbon taxes. Hehehe my name is Tony. P.S. Julia sux.

Tone. Pls.

The only thing we will miss about ol’ mate Tone is his incredibly rare gift of creating meme GOLD whenever he opened his mouth. The man could seriously change his name by Deed Poll to Tony Ze MemeMaster Abbott and we would be 142% on board.


A true visionary of our time.

Anyway, Malcolm, you are a breath of fresh air in what has been a stale AF leadership. And it’s pretty freaking exciting that we now have, for the first time in Australian history, a Prime Minister and a leader of the opposition who both support gay marriage.

Despite this, in Parliament yesterday you said that you support all of your party’s current policies, making it pretty clear that the illegality of same-sex marriage will not change under this current government. You will not be holding a plebiscite (a public vote on same-sex marriage) until after the next federal election. Greeeeeaaaat. Just great.

And so, the ‘issue’ of same sex marriage will continue to unnecessarily dictate political debate. It will continue to detract from other important issues. It will continue to be a blight on Australia’s international reputation. It will continue to suck up valuable time, continue to be employed as a political bargaining tool in elections, and continue to cause headaches for the Australian public.

When, really, the ‘issue’ of same sex marriage is not an issue at all.

Answering the question ‘Should Australia legalise same-sex marriage?’ is as simple as answering ‘Do Australians like Caramello Koalas?’

Yes. Of course we freaking like Caramello Koalas.

caramello koala

National effing treasure.

And look, I get it Malcolm, you don’t want to put your fellow party members offside. You want to have their support, and to not rock the boat. But surely you can see that this is a decision that the people of Australia want now? (And didn’t you hear? Tone already stopped the boats!)

The funny thing is, the members of your political party who don’t support same-sex marriage have some pretty pathetic reasons why. So, Malcolm, to help you argue your case when challenged by your anti-marriage-equality colleagues, here are some helpful rebuttals:

  1. What about tradition?!1?!1?!
    Well, you might find that a lot of our once-loved traditions were also blatantly discriminatory and, um, downright embarrassing. It was once an Australian tradition that women couldn’t vote, teachers could belt their students, and that Aboriginal people were classified as Flora & Fauna. All traditions, and all fucking awful. Just because something is ‘what we’ve always done’, doesn’t make it morally or ethically right by default.
  2. Well, is a label really THAT important?!?!?#46?!!?
    Well, considering our culture operates on labels, then… uh… yeah… labels are important. How would you like it if society decided that you were to be labelled as a hippopotamus instead of a human? Exactly.
  3. Well won’t somebody think of the children?1!!5?!^^8r3u??!!?
    The argument that a same-sex couple cannot raise a child in the same way a man and woman can is ridiculous. The lengths a same-sex couple has to go to have a child (IVF, adoption, sperm donation, etc) are far beyond what the vast majority of your ‘traditional unions’ have to go to.  Same sex couples do not wind up with children they do not want, they do not ‘accidentally’ become parents without wanting to be. Not sure if you realise, but a crap-load of ‘traditional couples’ make for pretty shitty parents, despite the OH SO IMPORTANT fact that one of them is a man, and the other is a woman. The most important trait in a parent is their ability to love and nurture, not what anatomy they have between their legs.

It’s honestly embarrassing how incredibly slow Australia is in joining the same-sex marriage party. Whilst the US, Canada, New Zealand, England, South Africa, Sweden, France (the list goes on) have all skipped arm-in-arm towards equality, we are stumbling along like a confused, homophobic drunk person.

Here is a list of things that SHOULD be illegal, instead of gay marriage:

  • Not doing a ‘thank you’ gesture when someone let’s you in on the road.
    It was out of the goodness of my fucking heart that I let you in, mate. I want –  Nay, I deserve – a little thank you wave of appreciation. You not giving me that sweet gesture of gratitude is far more offensive than two people who love each other wanting to get married.
  • Andrew Bolt telling people the Stolen Generations was a myth.
    Reason: Andrew Bolt. Just, ugh, Andrew Bolt.
    On second thought, how can we go about making Andrew Bolt illegal?
  • Having to pay $12 for a 1L tub of Connoisseur Ice-cream.
    (For this very obvious) Reason:
     everybody loves Connoisseur Ice-cream, nobody wants to have to sell their kidney on the black market in order to afford it, though. Pull your heads in, people of Connoisseur.

This should not be an ‘issue’ that is still dominating political discussion. Because this should have been resolved months, if not years ago. It baffles me that this ridiculousness continues to drag on, and in doing so reduce the space we have for meaningful discussion on real political issues.

What we want is action. And we should be seeing it right now.

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