The 5 ways I procrastinated doing my Uni assignment:
Words by Michelle Andrews.
I’ve watched 3 hours of YouTube videos.
Spent 1 hour and 30 minutes online shopping.
Cleaned my bedroom.
Gone through a long and tiring process of complete body hair removal.
Stalked every man I kissed in 2014.
And I haven’t started. my. fucking. assignment. that’s. due. tomorrow.
Sure, my body is now sleek as a seal, and rubbing my silky smooth legs against each other is becoming my favourite past-time. I also know how to achieve the ‘♡ Perfect Copper Bronze Smokey Eye Look ♡’ with no less than 86 expensive beauty products and the saliva of a small mythical creature. Oh, and I can see the floor around my bed again, which is new, and kinda reassuring that my floordrobe is not housing a squatter.
But is any of that going to help me get this assignment in by 5pm tomorrow? No. Not unless the assignment is about my ethnically diverse taste in men. Sadly, it is not. It’s about Australian Foreign Policy. A subject which makes it glaringly obvious how little I know about political history to the point where I have accepted defeat and put precisely zero effort in. I outright refuse to look up from my laptop in tutorials out of sheer fear my tutor will ask me a question.
Tutor: “Blonde girl who never speaks in my class and is clearly on Facebook: ‘What do you think about Australia’s relationship with Japan?”
Me: “Um *mind-boggling panic and severe bout of shaking* … We have Daiso and UNIQLO now?”
Look, I’m not saying that I is dumb and incapable of understanding big-brain-stuff like politics. I is not dumb. I is not dumb at all. I’m just not the most insightful twenty-something when it comes to Australia’s Foreign Policy. But thankfully over the years I have developed a very handy skill: I talk around the essay topic with an extreme wankerish vocabulary that makes me seem knowledgeable when I actually have no clue what I’m talking about. If anyone was to go back and read my University essays properly, they’d realise that I actually just talk a lot of shit.
A brief summary of every academic essay I have ever written:
I’ll be honest, my ‘talk around the topic’ approach occasionally bodes well with my tutors. Whilst my brain activity when writing said essay is ‘WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK’ some of my tutors read it and seem to think ‘Yes, she seems to have critically engaged with the topic and really understands its complexity’.
Alas, that doesn’t happen all the time.
Sometimes, I get essays back and the tutor’s comments are more along the lines of “What the eff was that. I will never get the 20 minutes back I just spend reading your nonsensical bullshit. You need to stop using Facebook so much in class.”
Anyway, writing this has been an effective waste of 45 minutes that I should have spent DOING MY FUCKING ESSAY.
As a result of this ProcrastiPost, here’s what my night will look like:
I sign off this post knowing full well that a caffeine-and-cereal-fuelled night of self-hatred lies ahead of me. I look forward to my inevitable 3am freak-out where I will stare blankly at this for thirty-or-so minutes.
I blame you all. This is totally your fault and you should feel really freaking bad and maybe buy me a pizza or seven (thick crust vegetarian thnx – don’t forget the Pepsi Max).
*Sobs softly and clicks onto Netflix*
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