You spend this much of your life doing your makeup…

I’m a big fan of makeup. HUGE fan.

The world’s known about my obsession since grade 5, when my crush (hello Zac Browne) was moving schools and I bawled my eyes out. He didn’t understand why I was so upset though (unrequited love), and instead of weeping with me he blurted out “why is there blue crap all over your cheeks?”

FOR THE RECORD IT WAS BLUE MASCARA, ZAC. I JUST WANTED TO LOOK GOOD FOR YOU ON YOUR LAST DAY OK?

GOOD FOR YOU EDIT

Anyway, the makeup craze has well and truly carried on into my twenties (fortunately, the blue mascara phase has not).

I’m the girl who hyperventilates at glitzy eyeshadows and says shit like “Mmmm this is soooo pigmented” and “oh my GOD I am OBSESssssSSssSSED with that shade”.

Despite not using 93.23% of the products I already own, I seem to buy new “Complexion Perfecting” and “Colour Boosting” products every freakin’ week. Why? Because I have convinced myself that I need them and will spontaneously combust if I do not own a vast array of glorified face paints. Also, once you buy one product, you need them all.

 

It’s a vicious cycle, one that I could only explain to you guys visually with the aid of J-Biebz (yes, I made you a video, because here at T2D we are HIGH-TECH AND FANCY).

I’m one step away from producing a Hollywood blockbuster, I know, but try to stay focused here:

Want to know why I love makeup so much?

I’ve been conditioned to love it. It’s just a necessity now.

For many girls/women/lady friends, wearing makeup on a semi-regular basis is a must. Do we wear it around the house or to the gym? No. But many women are expected to turn up to work with a face full of cake. To go out to drinks looking like they’re 1/2 panda. To stick strips of fake hair to their eyelids and go about their day with wigs for effing eyelashes.

jenna marbles eyelashes

Me every Saturday night.

And how much time does this addiction of necessity consume across your lifetime?

SEVEN. HUNDRED. AND TWENTY. TWO. DAYS.

Want to know how long 722 days is? It’s long enough to learn to speak two languages fluently. TWO whole languages. FLUENTLY!

While men just jump in the shower, rub their junk with soap, hop out and get dressed before they go out to an event, women are expected to make themselves into freakin’ movie stars before they step a foot outside the house. So much so that it sets us gals back nearly two whole years of our lives.

Years that could be spent, I dunno, learning to play the Obo or training for the Olympics or something.

And if men try to tell me that us ladies can just choose to stop doing our makeup, and join them in the whole “being clean is enough” approach, then I’m sorry, but you’re all effing wrong. Because every time I don’t wear makeup, you’re the one who says I look “tired” or “sick” and look at me like I’m fresh out of the womb.

I’ve known girls to get official warnings for not wearing makeup to work. When was the last time you got an official warning because you didn’t put enough mascara on that morning? Huh? HUH?!??! Exactly. Shut up.

You know what’s even worse? A girl wearing no makeup is never ok now. No, no, if you wanna look natural, don’t you dare go without makeup… you gotta wear “No Makeup makeup’ instead. The clincher? ‘No Makeup makeup’ takes just as many effing products and time as the usual look of ‘I’m a flour-based dessert makeup’ does.

Exhibit A: 

CHLOE MORELLO EDIT

This is just such an all-natural, makeup-free look, right?

WRONG, THAT (beautiful, angelic) FACE is covered with all of this:

no makeup makeup

For the record, I actually love Chloe Morello more than I love cheese. Using 16 products to fake the ‘natural look’ does make me kinda sad, though.

As much as I love makeup and all things beauty, it does get to me that I’m probably going to donate 722 days of my life to it out of necessity.

BUT, ON ZE BRIGHTSIDE: considering how many women do the same and still slay like queeeenz, this has made me realise something: Us ladies are effing KICK-ASS human beings.

Moral of this story: Women rule, and from this day forth, I will only be engaging with men who speak to me in fluent Afrikaans.

Totsiens , dom seuns! xxx

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