Don’t be dicks to retail employees this Christmas.

It’s the first day of December today. Which means a few things.

For example: people will start decorating their Toyota Corollas with red noses and reindeer antlers and look like bloody idiots.

car rduolf EDIT

No. Just no.

It also means that shopping centre trading hours are increased so that you can go and buy a shitty necklace for your cousin Denise at 4am. It means that carparks are going to be jammed full with other people wanting to buy shitty gifts for their own shitty Denises, and that you will want to tear your own eyelashes out at the fact that, apparently, those people got their licences at a Bunnings sausage sizzle.

It means that many of you will be tired, probably hungover and irritable before you even set foot in the shopping centre.

So, in your state of fury, you’re gonna be a total dick to Sarah, the chick who is trying to find your size of Havaianas at Surf Dive N’ Ski.

And Matt, the pimply kid who isn’t being quick enough with your Zinger Burger Meal.

And Megan, the Myer sales assistant who took 15 minutes to serve you.

Before you take out your problems on the Sarahs, Matts and Megans of the world, I have something to tell you.


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Leave Sarah, Matt and Megan alone.

Let me say this, mate, working retail during Christmas time is like catching the Pakenham line after 10pm on a Friday night – nobody wants to do it. Take it from me, someone who worked overnight Christmas trade for six years in a row, retail employees do not need to put up with your crap attitude, especially over Christmas. So I’m dedicating this to them. The retail employees – the true heroes of our society – who will have the most effed up sleeping patterns of all eternity over the next month.

Here are the 7 things you should NOT do when shopping over Christmas:

  1. Don’t try to haggle. You’re not at the Vic Markets.
    No, the item is not on sale. No, the sales assistant will not be discounting it, or doing a special deal for you. No, they don’t want to “just check the price on the register”, because IT’S NOT ON SALE.Where did you even get the idea that it would be on sale? Are there magical sales signs that only you can see?If you want to go bargain shopping, then by all means go bargain shopping. But right now, you are in a shopping centre, with fixed prices. So I hate to sound mean (I don’t really), but pay or leave.While we’re at it, don’t use the line “It doesn’t have a price tag, so that means it’s free, right?”

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    So very original.

  2. Stop touching things unnecessarily.
    I don’t know why some people feel the need to touch every single item in the store, but don’t effing do it.If you like something, by all means touch it. Rub your face and kneecaps on it for all I care. But spare the poor retail assistant a thought, because they just fingerspaced and tidied the entire rack.If you’re not looking for anything, don’t mess up the store. Just don’t. If you’re bored, go do something else. Go to the cinema and watch a terrible festive movie which includes 3 romantic airport chase scenes. Go to a cafe. Go for a leisurely stroll. I don’t care, but don’t make it your mission to get handsy with a store’s stock just to fill in time. Reassess your life.
  3. Wear deodorant before trying clothes on.
    As a general rule, engage in conventional hygiene practices. Pls. I’m seriously begging you. If you have an aversion to showers, do the staff a solid and bypass the changerooms.It’s called Rexona Clinical Protection, I suggest you invest in some.GIPHY (26)
  4. Don’t get angry because you weren’t served within 20 seconds of walking in.
    Guess what, those retail assistants are probably at the tail end of twelve hour shifts. They’ve probably already mopped up wee and a kid’s soggy biscuits from the floor. Also, not sure if you’ve noticed, but the store is heavily understaffed and already filled with other customers. It’s not the staff’s fault head office is stingy AF with shifts.Don’t get antsy because you weren’t treated like a Danish princess upon entry. Be patient. They’ll get to you. Your Michael Kors watch/Mimco pouch fetish can wait.
  5. Don’t leave clothes all over the changeroom floor.
    This is the social equivalent of blowing your nose on a stranger’s shirt. Or pooing on someone’s doortsep. Pick the clothes up off the floor, and at the very least pass them back.You are not a goat, this is not a zoo, and you are perfectly capable of treating other humans with respect.GIPHY (27)
    Not cool.
  6. Don’t ask a retail employee to throw out your half filled frozen capp-frapp-mocha-caramel-latte for you.
    There’s a bin outside the store. Use it. Retail staff are not garbage disposal technicians, and your wanky drink will stink out their entire store until Boxing Day.
  7. If the shop closes in ten minutes, don’t you dare come in.
    DON’T. YOU. EFFING. DARE.See that door? Yep, that one, the one that’s half closed. That means you’re not welcome until tomorrow. Why? Because it’s 11:50pm, and the store closes at 12. You had so many hours to come in. So many hours. But you were lazy and you are too late now, so kindly get the eff out.GIPHY (19)Retail staff don’t get paid for working overtime, and what are you really going to find in ten minutes, anyway? Nothing. You will find absolutely nothing. Instead, you will leave the store looking like a street cat with rabies was let loose in it. Go home to your family. What you’re even doing at a shopping centre this late – by choice no less – is both troubling and sad.How would you like it if I came into your work at 4:50pm on a Friday and put more tasks on your desk? Exactly, you’d want to set fire to my house and torch everything I’ve ever loved. By coming into a store as it’s closing, you are rude and annoying and rude and I wish a week of mediocre sleep upon you.

If you go shopping this Christmas, please be a decent human-person and take all of this on board.

Otherwise, there’s Internet shopping, which was 100% invented for dickcakes like you.