“Are my standards too high?”
I am quite possibly the world’s pickiest dater, and it’s making my friends want to set my hair on fire.
I constantly complain to them about being single, but will pass up opportunities with guys for the most bullshit reasons. For example:
“Yeah he’s really cool, but he’s not taller than me when I’m in heels. Sooooo yeah, um, I’m gonna pass.”
Why yes. Yes I did use that as an excuse to brand a man ‘inappropriate’ boyfriend material because, while he’s taller than me, he wasn’t quite tall enough.
Obviously, my friends look at me the way you look at someone who says they aren’t a Belieber. (Shut up, we’re all Beliebers now. Oh shhhh, naive one, yes we are. If you don’t think you’re a Belieber you are simply wrong and in denial and need to hop in a bin.)
I’ve always been picky when it comes to men. Apart from when I dated an unemployed stoner, that is… but I feel like everyone dates an unemployed stoner at least once in their lifetime. It’s just a necessary stage. Like puberty, we ALL go through the Stoner Boyfriend Stage. Or, for short, The SBS.
BACK TO THE POINT OF ME BEING SUPER DOOPER PICKY/SINGLE/ANNOYING: I was raised to be an independent layday and I have zero troubles being single.
Because, when it comes to life, I see dating as an optional extra. Like, if my life were a bowl of pasta, having a man would be the cheese. If I’m gonna be adding any parmesan to this carbonara, it’d wanna be the best freakin’ parmesan in the history of this land. Otherwise it’ll just weigh-down my meal. And aint no man messing up my pasta.
We all have a checklist in our heads of “must haves” and “deal breakers” when it comes to identifying a potential bae.
To make this clearer, and to make myself look like an effing sociopath, I’m gonna tell you my checklist (you’re welcome).
Ok, yes, I AM picky.
Particularly picky when you factor in that this year I ghosted a guy because he smelt like chicken soup and that was just too much for me to handle.
But is wanting to not date an exorbitantly rich, Kyle-Sandliands-loving-chickeny-smelling-meth-head really that insane? Because I don’t think it is.
The issue with my insane pickiness is this: When I do come across a guy who ticks all of my ‘must haves’ and is, in fact, not a homophobic sexist pig, I immediately think he’s too good for me. I get self-conscious and painfully paranoid that I’m batting way above my average. And THEN I mutate into a weird version of myself and believe that I am a subpar strain of human who pales in comparison to the superhuman dude I’m dating.
So, basically, my standards are incredibly high, but once a guy reaches them I don’t date him anyway because I think he’s too good for me.
Because I live a life of boredom/curiosity, I decided to ask my equally single girlfriends what their own deal breakers are. Also, I wanted to know if they’ve ever ended things with a guy because he smelt like a meaty variety of soup.
Here were just some of my girlfriends’ deal breakers:
Admittedly, the high-fiving thing was a bit of a curveball, but hey, deal breakers are deal breakers. Note to boys: pipe it down with the hi-fives, ALRIGHT?
We are all agreed on the “:P” face thing though, aren’t we? Of course we are, that emoji is both cringey and sleazy and possibly the one tell-tale sign that a guy is a total creep.
Another note to boys: If you use the 😛 face, all women think you sniff undies as a leisurely activity. Just FYI.
And don’t tell me I’m being harsh, because it’s totally true.
Anyway, until Mr Right swans into my life with a head full of glorious hair that smells like a meadow, I will happily wait.
Because ladies, you must remember: Your life is a delicious bowl of pasta, and dating a man is the cheese. Don’t you dare ruin that amazing meal with some shitty parmesan, ok? Ok.