How to answer “why are you single?” this Xmas.

Ah, Christmas time.

The pointy end of the year when a magnifying glass is held up to your entire life and you’re forced to evaluate exactly what you’ve achieved this year.

For example, looking back at the year 2015, here’s what I managed:

  1. Ate a 10 pack of Coles cookies in one sitting.
  2. Had a nude photo leaked.
  3. Watched the entire series of Orange is the New Black. Three times.
  4. Flaked out on about 20 dates.
  5. Threw a drink on a guy who touched my butt without my permission.
  6. Sometimes wore a lil’ bit too much fake tan.
orange gal me edit

Cos gurl u aint dark enough til’ you blend in with the night sky.

… I’ve had a successful year, no?

December is what I like to call Existential Crisis month. It’s 31 days of soul-crushing-self-exploration. It’s day after day of alcohol-fuelled reflection where you ask yourself terrifying questions like “Who the eff am I?” and, “What the eff am I doing with my life?”

It also happens to be the time of year you see your family the most.

Now, as lovely as this is can be, this reality scares the ABSOLUTE SHIT out of all single people.

Why?

Because plates of Turkey and Ham don’t just come with a side of potato salad, they come with your second cousin Patricia drunkenly asking “So… why isn’t there anyone special in your life, Michelle?”

The “is there anyone special in your life?” question is as painful hearing about your divorced aunty’s revived sex drive – it’s not something you wanna hear, ever.

GIPHY (39)

More alcomahol pls.

As a single person, you don’t want to be asked why you’re an unlovable slab of flesh. BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE UNDESIRABLE AND UNLOVED, OK? WE JUST ARE. NOW LEAVE US SINGLE PEOPLE TO WEEP GENTLY IN OUR DESPERATELY LONELY ISOLATION PLS.

Because the “is there anyone special in your life?” questions are annoying AF, here are 7 ways you should reply to your family members this holiday season:

1. “Why yes, yes I do have a boyfriend. His name is Nutella Donut and he’s definitely not good for me but I love him anyway.”

“He’s clogging my major arteries more and more with each passing day, but I still keep going back to him. As much as he sickens me and makes me want to vomit up the depths of the ocean, he’s really sweet and addictive and is even better when lightly coated with sugar.”

nutella cronut EDIT

And now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.


2.
“No, I don’t have a significant other. I’m focusing really hard on the non-existent career I obtained with my shitty Arts Degree.”

 

arts degree EDIT

Jobs that are available to Arts grads: N/A

3. “Ummm perhaps a bit TMI for you, Dad, but I’m still single because I just really like casual sex.”

4. “It’s funny you ask, actually! I have been chatting with this cute guy on Instagram in the private chat section. He sent me a pic of his doona cover and, well, the rest is history.

We’re moving pretty slow, though. Like on a selfie-by-selfie basis. I might comment an emoji on one of his gym-prep photos soon. Not sure if that’s coming on too strong though.”

instagram private chat EDIT2

Because “I have good personal hygiene” is something you should ALWAYS include on your list of likes and interests. ALWAYS.

5. “Not sure how else to put this, Nan, but my number of sexual partners is getting a little bit high so I’m currently working my way back through my exes. Just in the interests of recycling, you know? Save the planet, all that jazz.”

6. “Um.. I’m still trying to clear up a bout of gonorrhoea I contracted from that Tinder guy. It’s not exactly ideal.”

GIPHY (5)

7. “I’m single because I’m fabulous and sassy and need no man. Also, I have super high standards and until somebody reaches them you can find me livin’ my life and being effing amazing in the meantime.”

Now if those replies don’t shut your family and their dumb questions up, I honestly don’t know what will.

If you are an Aunty, or a cousin, or a nephew or WHATEVER, do not ask us Singletons why we are single. JUST DON’T. Find something else to talk to us about. Like how shiny our hair is and our kick-ass our personalities and how beautiful and funny and sublime we are.

Because we are all of those things. Totally. The world is wrong, and there is no reason why we are single, (it’s our phobia of commitment and complete lack of allure) none at all.

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