UNPOPULAR OPINION: I hate Mimco pouches.
I really do, you guys. I hate them.
And I know 98.73 per cent of you reading this right now probably have a Mimco pouch (or 27) of your own, but I don’t care. They’re annoying. Mimco pouches are irritating and they are EFFING EVERYWHERE and I’m sick of it.
These overpriced, overrated accessories are taking over the developed world one generic gift at a time, and we should be alarmed.
Mimco pouches are now more common than… I dunno, bellybuttons. Or Beliebers. Or barely-dressed-15-year-olds-with-4000-followers on Instagram.
Because you can’t go to a hipster cafe anymore without seeing every table adorned with multiple Mimco pouches. Brunch enthusiasts can’t get to their smashed avo and acai bowls because there’s too many fucking Mimco pouches blocking the way.
Innocent food bloggers are going hungry and their SnapChat stories are empty, and it’s all because of Mimco pouches.
You can’t even see a group of girlfriends without multiple instances of Mimco-pouch-related confusion. Pouches are being mistakenly swapped and traded, and it’s nothing short of a debacle. “Hahaha OH that’s YOUR black Mimco, I though it was MY black Mimco! Hahahahahaweallhavemimcopoucheshahahahaha”
See? Sheer madness.
You can’t go about your daily life without a Mimco pouch flying through thin air and smacking you in your goddamn face.
The worst thing? Slowly, one by one, people are being recruited into the Mimco Pouch Cult against their own will.
Mimco pouches are being given as graduation gifts, 18th and 21st birthday presents. They’ve destroyed every gift-giving event in the Southern Hemisphere. The dark overlords of the Mimco Pouch Cult are gifting these things out to every woman under the age of 25, and one day soon we will all die from Mimco-Pouch-Suffocation.
I give it two years before we’re all be dead broke, and wading through a hell filled with exorbitantly priced leather pouches featuring scratched metallic logos.
Life as we know it will cease to exist, and while you may laugh at me now from behind your
shitty $120 glorified purses, you’ll soon see that I’m right.
If you are reading this right now, and happen to know me on a gift-giving level, please refrain from buying me a Mimco pouch. Ever.
Here is a list of other gifts I would prefer the $99 be spent on instead:
- 10 generic (yet equally functional) pouches from Kmart
- 99 McDonald’s Hashbrowns
- A star/a piece of the rainforest (preferably don’t get me either – this idea is really shit and not at all useful… yet undeniably better than a Mimco pouch)
- A shovel to hit you over the head with for even thinking of buying me a Mimco pouch
- 20 nutella donuts
- Literally anything else (seriously… anything)
Are we all on the same page? Mimco pouches = no thanks.
Actually, not even thanks. Just no.
To every gal I love who is reading this, and happens to own a Mimco pouch (AKA: every single girl I know), please don’t get offended.
It’s ok. I know that you were gifted that Mimco pouch on your birthday a year ago. I know you didn’t have any say in this. Amy and the girls all put in for it and an equally annoying matching keyring.
But over time, I’ve seen you become one of them. You’re now a fully-fledged member of the cult.
Trust me, I’ll try my best to save you.
In 2016, let’s fight Mimco pouches together, people.
For the sake of humanity and brunch, I beg you.