A tribute to all the lip balms I’ve lost this year.
I really miss the hundreds of lip balms I’ve lost this year.
Actually, I don’t just miss them, you guys. I yearn for them. I feel their departure from my mediocre life deep down within my mediocre soul. I stay awake at night thinking of their smooth textures and cute packaging.
In their absence, I do not have the lips of an adequately-hydrated human. Nay, I have lips that resemble an old leather bag/a Toorak mum who’s been sun-tanning on Rye beach since 1977.
But I can tell you one thing, Dearest Reader Person – I refuse to buy another fucking lip balm. No matter how dry and cracked my lips are. I. Will. Not. Buy. Another. Effing. Balm.
BECAUSE I REFUSE TO DISH OUT ANOTHER $3.95 FOR A PRODUCT THAT WILL ALMOST DEFINITELY DISAPPEAR WITHIN MERE MINUTES OF ME PURCHASING IT GAWD DAMMIT.
Lip balms of my past, where are you? Why did you leave me? Will you ever come back? Did I do something wrong?
I’ve looked in the only handbag I ever use – you’re not there.
I’ve looked in my disgracefully messy car – you’re not there.
I’ve looked in my sister’s room – you’re not there (surprisingly).
So tell me, where the EFF are you?!
I know my best friend kidnapped one of you on a drunken night out earlier this year (@Emily – you owe me a tube of PawPaw – don’t think I’ve forgotten). And I know I managed to finish ONE of you myself (success). But that still leaves me with approximately NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY EIGHT missing lip balms.
Those 998 lip balms will now never fulfil their true destiny. They will expire before they get the chance to change the world one case of dry lips at a time.
Don’t you worry, though. My profound lack of life purpose/general productivity resulted in me devising a Missing Lip Balm Theory (MLBT) today.
The MLBT is this: All of my lip balms are hiding on a far away island with every bobbypin I’ve ever bought. And any good pen I’ve ever owned. OH, and a man who wants to date me but isn’t weird and doesn’t smell like chicken soup.
If you don’t back my (totally legit, totally serious) theory, then someone PLEASE give me a legitimate explanation as to where my balmy-lippy-goodness-sticks are, because at the rate I buy them I should be wading through a sea of condition-ey-ointment-ey-goodness right now.
But I’m not. My lips are chapped, my bank account is empty and my wit has ended.
THIS IS ONE FINAL CALL for the lippy balms, the balms of the lips, the sticks of luscious kisses, to return home to their tearful mama.
I miss you. I love you. Pls come back.