New Year’s Eve is awesome, stop being so negative.

I hope you came prepared for some real talk, ya filthy animals.

I’m sick of hearing people say they hate New Years, and complaining about how ‘overrated’ it is. According to every retail worker who served me this week New Years is always a “shit night” and not deserving of the hype.

Like… you’re actually kidding me, right?

New Years Eve is possibly my favourite night of the year. Actually, scratch that. It’s definitely my favourite night of the year.


New Year’s Eve is EFFING AWESOME.

Things happen on New Years Eve that don’t happen on any other night of the year. It’s the one night you can literally kiss anyone or anything at midnight and nobody will bat an eyelid. Because it’s New Years. You can suck the face of a 54-year-old-Christmas-BonBon-Joke-Writer AND IT’S TOTALLY FINE. You can kiss your best friend, or your ex, or your first cousin… JUST GO CRAZY PAL IT’S NEW YEAR’S EVE!

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(OK so maybe don’t kiss your first cousin. Like, I won’t judge you. But… maybe don’t. Stick to second cousins pls.)

It’s the one night you can wear glow sticks as a 20-something and it’s socially acceptable. Why not wear a tonne of facepaint? While you’re at it, glue some cheap bindis on your face. Yep, cover your whole face with fucking bindis. You wanna rock some flash-tatts too? You go for it, son.


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Don’t push me.

If you’re at a party, it’s practically guaranteed that there will be kabana. Yep, bowl after bowl of delicious, salty kabana. If you’re particularly lucky, you might even score some of those delicious mini burgers and slushie vodkas with the cute umbrellas in them.

I really shouldn’t have to reiterate this, but Kabana + Mini Burgers + Miniature Cocktail Umbrellas = A FUCKING GOOD TIME.

If you’re at a music festival –  then DUUUDE –  I’ll see your sweaty drunk self there.

Oh, and did I mention that New Year’s Eve = Fireworks?

Must I remind you all that fireworks are orgasmic technicolour dream explosions in the sky?

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Like hello are u blind orrrrr?

Fireworks are pretty much the closest we will ever come to real magic, you guys. Remember that. And if you don’t like fireworks, I suggest you reassess your entire life because YOU ARE WRONG FIREWORKS ARE SPECTACULAR YOU DOWNTRODDEN SLUG.

If 2015 has been a shit one, then trust me you DO have something incredible to celebrate. Your present is a whole blank slate to start over again! It’s a brand new year my friend! You can join a gym! Start eating kale! Get a pet! Become a lesbian! Move to Peru!

If 2015 has been a great year, then FAB, here’s to another 365 days of kicking life’s ass and being a high-achieving-successful-go-getter, tiger! You’re amazing! Keep doing whatever it is you’re doing!

And if you have no plans, and will be sitting at home, then you can spoil yourself with yummy wine, cheese and crackers. You can put your favourite movie on, cuddle up on the couch, and hear the fireworks crackle away in the distance. You, my adorable couch potato, have a good night of sleep ahead of you. You will come into 2016 looking refreshed and sparkly and gorgeous.

New Year’s Eve is the best. It really is.

And I won’t have nobody talkin’ shit bout it.