“I’m looking for my first ‘career’ job and I’m f*cking terrified.”

So yesterday I saw a ‘Back To School’ ad on the telly and realised HOLY SHITBALLS YOU GUYS we are officially on the cusp of another working year.

Well, those who have full-time jobs are on the cusp of a new working year. Currently, I am not one of those lucky ducks.

I graduated from uni in December, and was just way too keen to get stuck into a month of relaxing (AKA eating my bodyweight in fries and aioli).

Unfortunately, it’s dawned on me that ‘Fries And Aioli Relaxation Month’ is nearly over. We’re already in mid January, and 2016 and is running out faster than Jennifer Lawrence’s popularity. So it’s time to stop thinking about my next Somersby Cider and start thinking about Really Fun Stuff like career progression and being an adult and other things that make me want to hyperventilate and die a slow death.

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Y life… Y???

All of a sudden, a little voice in my head (not crazy… promise) is reminding me about something pretty important: I need a full-time job.

Like, I need one. I need to do that whole ‘adulting’ thing everyone keeps talking about. I need to stop watching episode after episode of ‘Making A Murderer’ AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE.

But my issue is this: Job hunting is as terrifying as going on a first date.

And anyone who knows me knows how much I effing despise first dates. I loathe them. More than I loathe people who refuse to eat gluten with no legitimate reason. Like, just eat some bread and shut up, pls.

Looking for a job/looking for someone who will sleep with you on a regular basis necessitates pretending you are some amazing, flawless individual when you’re actually a slob who sleeps-in until 12pm everyday and hasn’t done laundry in about a month. And keeping up a shiny fake persona for the sake of getting hired and/or laid is nothing short of exhausting.

I feel like an A-grade dickcake when I gush to businesses about how I’m such ‘a people person’. I don’t enjoy writing cover letters that make me seem like the world’s most arrogant lady. Like, sure, I am a hard worker. And I do love what I do. And I do want to dive into a career and be successful. I just don’t relish the idea of sugarcoating everything about myself and boasting about my ‘talents’ (the few I do have) to get a 9-5 desk job.

I’d be an asset to a business, sure, but I’d prefer to have a resume and cover letter that includes the important stuff. The stuff my future coworkers will actually care about. The stuff they will benefit from.

Ideally, my job applications would look a bit like this:

resume blog revised

 

Ah, it’s just perfection… right? I’d request myself to come in for an interview FOR SURE.

For any 20-somethings who are out there, who are crying tears of dread behind their laptops/iPhones/androids(ew) right now, I empathise with you. I feel your pain deep within my soul, my friend. So best of luck finding a proper adult-person job, and just remember that I would totally employee you and you will so kick-ass, pal!

I love ya. We got dis. U is smart, u is kind, u is important. Amen.

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