I’ve lost my sparkle, and I’m desperately trying to find it.
Hello, ya filthy animals!
Firstly, I need to apologise. This has to be the longest stint I’ve ever gone without posting, and for that I owe you each seventeen roast dinners and a nice back massage.
Sadly, we are separated by both space and general social awkwardness, so you will inevitably receive neither of those things. Know that I feel bad all the same. Instead, let me justify my absence with a list of self-sympathetic excuses.
It’s not like you’re not my employer or anything, but I feel I need to explain anyway:
1. I got hit with the sick stick.
I wish this meant I got a bit of a cold/a bout of the runs. Unfortunately, it means neither. What it DOES mean is that I got Glandular Fever with a lovely side of a liver and kidney infection. And believe me, those are as glamorous as they sound.
Mind you, at one point in time when I couldn’t feel any of my limbs, I did convince myself I had an obscure form of cancer – so I’m definitely grateful I don’t have that. But still. Not fun. Would not recommend Glandy Fever/Liver&Kidney infections to a friend. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
2. I got a full-time job.
I adulted, you guys. I adulted so hard I landed myself 38 hours of work in the media every week. With a salary. With 5:30am wakeups and everything. And I gotta say, I’m McLovin’ the absolute shit out of it.
3. I got a boyfriend.
An alive one who breathes and talks and everything. I know guys. I never thought we’d see the day.
Admittedly, this boyfriend didn’t come into existence in the last three weeks – BUT – his existence does mean I have considerably less material to pick at when it comes to the male species. In fact, my boyfrand’s kinda converted me to the whole ‘relationship’ bizzo I was so cynical about. He’s the best yadda yadda yadda I’m whipped blah blah blah boring sappy stuff nobody cares about can we please get to the part where we talk about dickcakes etc etc etc.
I just haven’t been so inspired in the sassy department lately. I entirely blame my boyfriend for this, and I encourage you to, too. Feel free to whip him with sharp pieces of grass if you feel so inclined.
If you want more Sassy-Men-Are-From-Mars posts on T2D, you’re gonna need to take that up with him. Tell him to be more of an asshole.
4. I’ve temporarily misplaced my sparkle.
Okay, so this is undeniably linked to Excuse 1. From lugging this illness around I’ve gone from a glittery 20-something to acting like a flat 86-year-old after a long day at the local RSL. I’m just really effing exhausted, guys.
Examples: I’m not spending a huge amount of time fussing over my appearance at the mo. I can’t remember the last time I took a selfie, or applied lipstick, or fake tanned. All of my clothes are kinda… ew. And old. And just ew. I should definitely moisturise more. And by ‘moisturise more’, I obviously mean ‘moisturise ever’. And I need to get my hair redone. And maybe buy a perfume I actually like, not just use the shitty one I got given for Christmas which smells like toilet spray. (Is anyone else feeling super sorry for my boyfriend right now?… You should. He’s practically dating an unkempt human walrus, the poor dude. #Pray4Mitchell)
So yas! I wanted to update you all and let you know about the big things that have happened in my weird life. It’s just been an unusual time I guess, with lots of elated highs and exhausting lows.
But I will get better. And I will be inspired to write more very soon – even if it’s not about shitty dickcake boys. And I will eventually find my sparkle, and with it I will try to dust as many things as I can.
I love you guys. I’ll be back soon.