It’s 11:30pm and I can’t stop thinking.
I know. 11:30pm isn’t that late. It’s quite early, actually, if you take into account that I am A) I’m a twenty-something who is B) a borderline insomniac with C) a slight caffeine addiction.
Anyway, I should really be asleep. I’m working mornings at the moment, which translates to 5am wake ups and general feelings of dysphoria. But I’m not sleeping. For whatever reason I am wide awake, my mind whirring and racing with a million inane, dribblish thoughts.
I haven’t posted here in a while – and I need to apologise for that. I guess working full time in the media has meant my musings (I love the new Bachelorette! My drunk selfie went viral! I think I’ve become a relationship dickwad! etc etc) have spilled onto the pages of Mamamia more than they have here. I get home most days and slump onto the couch like I’ve swam through shark infested waters… which, come to think of it, is actually an accurate depiction of digital media. (I do love that swim though, I really do.)
I just think this might be a Big Point in my life. Capitalised and everything.
There’s been so many changes – relationship, work, family – I find myself thinking “what the fuck” on a regular basis. What the fuck am I doing, where the fuck am I going, who the fuck am I. And for someone who is generally confident within myself it’s all a tad unsettling.
The mixture of people I knew in high school are now having babies, getting rich, moving overseas, recovering from eating disorders, or serving jail time. The number of different paths we’ve all gone on makes my head spin. How different we all are. How different I am. How different my life is. How life is kinda like the TV shows. Like the fact that Donald Trump might actually become the leader of the free world….
I’m 22 now, and since starting this blog my life has changed in ways I never imagined. Most of the time, that sits just fine with me. But sometimes I struggle to comprehend just how odd everything is. Like tonight. All I keep thinking about is how my views on the world have shifted. How lucky I am. How tragically flawed I am. How fantastically supportive my two best friends Emily and Maddie are. How my boyfriend loves me even though I’ll never know why, or what I did to deserve him. How my mum is my hero. How much I adore my family, even though I don’t get to see them very much anymore.
There’s absolutely no point to this – I just needed to write it down. I’m feeling lost and confused and writing has always grounded me. That’s why this blog exists in the first place.