To the dickcake who broke my beautiful friend’s heart…

Dear dickcake,

One week ago, I didn’t expect to be writing this letter to you. Why would I? She was blissfully happy and you, in my books, were delightful.

While this was just some twisted chapter in your autobiography of Fuck Boyism, I have witnessed the rollercoaster. The nervous butterflies, the happiness, the love, and now the aftermath – which will be a puddle of tears and drunken renditions of Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson.

Let it be said that I would tell you this to your face, but I can’t. You see, it turns out society doesn’t look favourably upon angry women (that’s me!) showing up on a dude’s front doorstep and verbally abusing him for breaking their friend’s heart.

It’s a shame, I know. I’d prefer to throw a tall glass of fuck you in your face too, but here I am, hoping that somehow you will stumble upon this, read it, and realise the damage you’ve caused.

I am not demanding that you love her. I understand you have very little control over who you fall in and out of love with. I do expect you to respect her, though.

I so desperately wish you broke it off in a way that acknowledged her heart. (HINT: You sending a text message after one week of complete silence isn’t respectful, neither is saying “I just want to spend more time with my mates”)

A text message? I mean… really? REALLY? You’re like a cheap downgrade of Burger from Sex & The City. At least a Post-It note requires a small stationery budget and a pen licence. Yet you chose a text message, the socks-with-sandals equivalent mode of communication.

In case you missed the memo, text messages aren’t an acceptable way to pull a sickie let alone end a relationship. What a cowardly, bullshit way to break the heart of the person who trusted you completely. 

That brings me to the Tinder account – your Tinder account.

How stupid are you? Like, I actually want to know. Are you thick? Did you really think she wouldn’t find out that you were on the most popular dating app of our time?

You mustn’t be aware of how women work whatsoever, so let me educate you a little bit. We have two universal talents: 1. talking and 2. taking screenshots. We are ESPECIALLY good at these two things when our friend’s boyfriend is ON TINDER and has been for months.

Ugghhhhh. You’re seriously such a douchelord it exhausts me.

On the bright side, I know that your selfishness has done some good – you’ve perfectly demonstrated everything she doesn’t want in a partner.

I can’t wait to see my beautiful friend rebound from this like the champion she is. In the long run, she’s going to be stronger and wiser for putting up with an asshat like you. By focusing on herself, her girlfriends and her career, she’s going to be more bloody brilliant than ever.

For all of that, I actually thank you. You’re really missing out on a spectacular person who loved you so authentically.

What a shame you threw that all away.

I’d really appreciate it if you leave her alone forever and ever now. Cheers.

Michelle xxxxx

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