Fishnet stockings are everywhere and SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
Content warning: The following article will make approximately 78.9 per cent* of millennial women weep tears of white hot fury.
*A figure I presume is highly accurate after attending Groovin’ The Moo yesterday.
I would like to make a Public Service Announcement: Fishnet stockings, and all other varieties of fishnet apparel, are not a thing.
Well, actually, no. They are most definitely a thing. In fact, if you’ve attended a music festival in the last six months, you may be convinced that they are the only thing to exist on this bloody planet. And that’s precisely the problem. So, more specifically, I would like to say that somehow fishnet stockings are a thing again and it is absolutely the worst thing to happen to our generation since Kony 2012.
Why, your sweet little reader face asks?
Because fishnet stockings are THE FUCKING WORST.
They were the worst when they were worn by coked up popstars in the 80s, and they are still the worst now.
I get that I’m offending a lot of the sisterhood – a group which I adore – but there’s a bigger problem at hand here. The prevalence of fishnet stockings at clubs, bars, and festivals is reaching epidemic proportions and must be stopped.
BECAUSE NO. NO TO FISHNET MATERIAL AND ITS BULLSHITTERY THAT PROVIDES ZERO WARMTH AND BREAKS VERY EASILY AND IS TOTALLY NOT SUITABLE TO WEAR WITH JEWELLERY AND VERY CLOSELY RESEMBLES THE BACK OF A SOCCER NET OR THE STUFF THAT WRAPS AROUND A CHRISTMAS HAM.
I understand that I am not a ~farshun girl~. I mean, can barely wear white Adidas sneakers without looking like I’m a reject from the set of Kath & Kim, and the only time I’ve ever donned a choker resulted in an unsightly neck rash and a feeling that I might die.
But STILL, you guys. Still. The fishnet and all of its myriad forms (stockings, dresses, crop tops, bras, deli lady hair nets) must die. Of this I am absolutely, unequivocally certain.
Let’s put them in the bin once and for all, along with Pete Evans, Colombia’s problematic “headphones” trade, and the charcoal teeth whitener that Facebook keeps telling me to buy.